Friday, September 14, 2012

Gods and Goddesses

   I have been trying to connect to a certain god and goddess for a while now, trying to find my matron and patron, but I have not ever been sure if they were speaking to me or not. There was one time that I really probably should have followed what I had been indirectly told in a dream I had once.

   In this dream I was with a devotee to Guanyin (the female version or at least I assume it was) a bunch of crazy stuff happened in the dream, though  I don't remember most of it now. Well in the end we asked Guanyin to help us defeat the challenge we had been up against and she did so the devotee decided to fast for one full day. I woke up and went about my day as normal and then not long later, I thought... was this a sign that I was supposed to fast for the day? It had been too late by then as I already had some things and I had also thought that I could be prego and didn't want to hurt the baby if I was. I haven't had a dream of Guanyin since.

   There was only one other dream I had that mention a deity that I recall and that was a really kind of screwed up dream and there was my mother-in-laws chihuahua severely hurt and some one asked me to call upon Bast for help, which is odd since she is a feline goddess.

   Any ways, since I just don't know how to take signs unless they are slapping me in the face, for now I will just work with THE 3 aspects of the God and the 3 of the Goddess, who are, to me, in the end the whole of all the many faces and names of all deities. I don't know if I worded that right, but I am sure you get what I meant.

Have a great day and a lovely weekend all!


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Here I am

   I have been in some what of a funk lately. I haven't wanted to keep up with housework, though forcefully I do. I have been so exhausted and I don't understand why that is when I used to sleep the same way before I ever got pregnant and baby Andrew sleeps fully through the night. I have been trying really hard to be better though. I was even kind of being a grumpy bitch to some people and it seemed like I had gotten annoyed really easily.

   I would have spouts where I would feel a little bit better and want to get stuff done then I would go back to that BLAHness. Though lately, I think I have been doing a lot better. I have been trying to think things through a little bit more when I get angry or annoyed. I try to see things more from their perspective. Which can be a little bit hard, because I used to be one of those people who just let every one get away with every thing, because I would think, oh... how would they feel? That's great and all, but when you constantly do that and neglect your own feelings, that really sucks. So I really don't want to go back to that and I really am trying to balance things out a bit more.

   So... I got the new tarot deck by Ellen Dugan (so far my FAV witchy author!) and I have been drawing one card a day for myself to reflect on and I really love those cards and feel really connected to them so that has helped a ton, that inner reflection and trying to find myself I guess you could say. I also just decided that it would really help me feel better if I could decorate the house a little more. Nothing makes you want to keep a house nice and sparkly clean like a house turning into a home and making it "your own". I've been really wanting to paint and garden and do all sorts of things with our home, but it is hard when it is a renters house. So I am just trying to find my own way to uplift my spirits a little more.

   My mom gave me this adorable teal night stand for my birthday that hangs out in the corner near my computer and my sewing/ craft table so I can look at it every day. I had it over by the door of our room, but it was just kind of in a weird spot so I decided to figure out a way to get it in the East,  it will also serve as a little altar that I can run up and down the stairs with me to go outside or what not. So I moved a little storage stand to the opposite side of my craft table and put my little "shabby chic" altar stand in it's place and man has it brightened up the room! I also put a little decorative clock my aunt gave me above it and I just can't believe how much more life this little table and clock brought in! So I am going to really work on brightening up the house a lot more, I decided after I finish this monster afghan that I started like 3 years ago and it has been twirled up in the closet corner for ev, I am going to start making decorative little ones to throw over the couch and what ever else. Hey maybe I can make an altar cloth even! Hmmm... the possibilities... You know, I really aughta keep up with writing in these blogs, because it really is making me feel better to share this, even though I have no idea how many people may even read any of it! Still feels good!

   So on a WHOLE different note, my son is already sitting up, crawling and being absolutely adorable I can barely even stand it and he is going to be 7 months on the 16th! Oh how time flies... OH and when I mention the stuff above, that does NOT make me love my child any less. As a matter of fact growing up I decided I never wanted to go through the pain of having a child (labor) then all of a sudden I just knew I wanted to have a baby with my husband. I dreamed about having a miniature Carl (my husband) and watching them grow up and just so many things. Then we decided that we wanted to get pregnant, a couple months and a lot of false hope and negative tests later  I got pregnant! I am not going to lie I freaked out a little bit, the full impact hit me. Holy crap, I am going to have a baby! Then the fear of the pain hit. I am very intolerable to pain so through out the whole pregnancy I worried and feared the pains of childbirth and when it came, I handled it well, but I am sorry and I know a lot of people are against this, but I got the epidural and I WILL do it again given the chance, that thing helped me keep it together and I most definitely will choose to have another child, which is what I was getting at. Through out the whole pregnancy, because of this fear of the labor pain I had really been pondering whether I even wanted to go through that again, the fear had me freaked out, but as time passed I kind of shoved it under a pillow and it became really muted. After giving birth and seeing this precious human being that you and your significant other created, this small child that grew from this tiny iguana looking thing (that's what we called him in the first ultra sound lol) into a baby. Then watching him take things in and they come in and just altar your whole life, you look into their eyes and know that things will never be the same and you love it. I knew just after a week or two of having him that there was no way that I wouldn't have another child.

   My life may have been turned upside down from other things that have happened, even before he was born and I may need to get my butt in gear more now from trying to keep up with the baby and his schedule, but it is so more than worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my little sunshine baby!

Blessings and Namaste